Tom Brown (One half of Holbrooks) is on his way to Chicago and back, he’s pretty good at ending up in unlikely situations, so we’ve asked him to document his road trip for our delight.
As with all great adventures, this one got off to a tremendously bad start. The Convertible Red Mustang I reserved was only able to be taken across the tri-county area. I was slowly whittled down to a mid size Kia, with 4 doors, air conditioning and a trunk after realising that my three credit cards had been maxed out with unused plane tickets for a previous lover.
After freeing myself from New York, entering New Jersey with a uselessly sunscreen protected body, I thought to hell with the damn air conditioning and roof, I’d experience all the discomfort of a convertible, with none of the benefits. 94 Degrees, I don’t know what the hell that means, but it was hot, my shirt was stuck to my back and my lips were dry within seconds, but I wasn’t going to let a little discomfort get in the way of my American Dream, I could even put up with my stupid hipster hair flapping about in my eyes, so long as I imagined this mid range, mid sized car, was in fact a red convertible mustang. No gaugeable amount of time passed and then Pennsylvania was welcoming me…
All I wanted, other than to be in a red convertible mustang, was to rock up to a roadside Diner, and drink an all american milkshake and eat an all american burger. So After missing three turn offs for Diners I eventually managed to get myself off the freeway, (motorway) and into a Family owned Diner.
Tap Water. I fully intended to drink myself a milkshake here, but I’d been drying my mouth out with hot air for the past 3 hours and I wanted some water.
Old Woman “Can I get you a drink Hun?”,
me “Oh jolly ho, I’d absolutely love a good old glass of tap water please”,
old woman “what was that”,
me “a glass of tap water”
old woman “toffee and nut pie, OK”
me “no no, Tap Water”
old woman “I’m sorry?”
me “some t-a-p- waaater please”
old woman “I can’t understand what he’s saying, do you know what he’s saying?”
man next to me “I got no idea”
me “tap water”
man next to me “huh?
me “tap water, w-a-t-e-r from a tap, tap water”
old woman “we don’t have that sorry”
me “OoooooKay, can I have *points at the menu* a coffee milkshake please?”
old woman “chocolate milkshake, coming right up”
There she is, waddling around in her sexy thick frame glasses, making me a chocolate milkshake.
A few miles out of town I came across a Walmart, and knowing how popular my artwork is over here, I thought I’d best stop and see how it was being displayed.
I marveled at this for a while, and considered buying a box of Charmin fresh mates, for those who like a cleaner clean, as I thought it would be good for the road, but I settled on some cherries and a three pack of foam pastel sun visors, perfect for keeping my troublesome hipster hair out of my eyes in my faux convertible mid sized brown Kia.
Countless hours of controlled cruising later, I somehow materialized in Pittsburgh, the fabled town of 10 hours ago, when I was sat in a taxi, humming along to Kiss “Back in the New York groove” thinking I was on my way to pick up a Mustang. I got to my chosen hotel. 24 hour room service it may have, but you can’t ring them at 3 in the morning and ask for a bottle of their cheapest fizzy wine. “It’s passed one o’clock sir, we aren’t serving alcohol anymore”. Well, WELL, theres a god damn fridge in this room and it’s empty, EMPTY I SAY.
Luckily for me I’d saved some research on my laptop, so I didn’t have to pay $10 to use their stinking wifi, and headed to the hipster bars in the cheeper side of town to give my hair some company.